Failure and Triumph

I know mommy life is full of failure and triumph. But, sometimes I feel like the failure is overcoming me. In these moments I find myself questioning, can I really do this?

I find myself thinking:

"I am not cut out for this"

"If they live to 18 it will be a miracle"

" I am not __________ enough to be a good momma"

I usually fill that blank with anything from patient, organized, focused, loving, selfless.

Which statement I profess to myself in my negative self-talk just depends on the day. I am pretty confident it is not just me who feels this way. But today, I was feeling especially inadequate and thought I should blog about this. Just in case, there is another momma feeling the same way.

So, to all the mommas feeling like their moments of failure out weigh the triumphs, you are not alone.

definitely a fish

My moment: swimming under-water doing triple kick breast stroke. As I glided through the water I thought to myself...if I were an animal I would definitely be a fish. I love floating through the water, twisting around, no direction, no time frame, just looking up at the sky or bright lights from beneath the water.

It is so peaceful.

Then I thought it would not be peaceful if there was a bigger fish trying to eat me. So, I amended my choice, either a fish that nobody likes to eat, or one in a very big fancy fish tank. This way I would be able to swim around carefree all day, just like when I am gliding under water in the pool.

If I had to pick a third fish life option, I would be one of the fish who swims in a school, so I would have lots of friends to swim around with. We could get eaten, but we would be small, quick and sneaky. We would hide in the coral, and jam around to our secret places. That would be a good choice too:)

So, a question for you: what animal would you be? If its a fish, what kind?

Can we do it? Yes we can!

Today we were out the door at 815 am. Two boys, feed, dressed, clean diapers and shoes. Two bags packed. One package for the post office. As we made our way to the garage, I thought back to the summer. This summer we were so blessed to have BK around a lot. We became very accustom to having him around. When we would pack up to go somewhere it was a very good ratio, one to one. I remember thinking, how did I do this alone last year? Then immediately I thought, how will I do this alone in the fall?

Making our way to the garage, I was reminded of the Bob the Builder's catch phrase. I am embarrassed to admit I know this, but he always says "can we build it? Yes, we can!"

This summer I was doubting my ability to get out the door with both boys, to make it through the grocery store without a meltdown. But, as we made our way out the door today, I was feeling confident: "can we do it? Yes we can!"

I altered it a bit, but I think it is a great way to think...whenever you are doubting yourself just think of what Bob the Builder would say:

"Can I do it? Yes I can!"

Master of the play structure!

Russell has wanted to climb the ladder to the play structure for a while now. He can make it up the slide but has not been able to get up the ladder.

Today that all changed!

Russell is now a master of the play structure!

I found him trying to make his way up the ladder, and I went to help him. Typically I lift him a little while he climbs up, but today I thought, maybe he is ready to learn. I guided his foot to the next step and he did it. He made it up the two rungs he needed to heave his belly up on the platform and wiggle his way all the way on. He stood up and looked victorious! He immediately slide down to try again. This time, he made it up successfully without my guidance. I love watching him plop his belly, and wiggle till he is all the way on the platform. He could just do one more step and it would be much easier, but he just leads with his belly. It is adorable. We love watching our little Russell grow.

Move it, Dig it, Do it!

Today BK and Quint went to a special event at the fair grounds where they bring a bunch of cool vehicles for kids to check out and sit in. I knew Quint would love this, but Russell was a bit young. So, BK took Quint for a man outing. BK took a lot of pictures and I will post them soon on the other blog.

I stayed home with Russell, but my moment was when they got home. I saw them pulled in so I ran to meet them. Quint was glowing. He was holding a plastic construction hat and held it up and said "look mommy!" "Construction Hat!" He was so excited and for the next few minutes he told me all about the cement truck, city bus, bucket-loader, and combine. He could not even get the words out fast enough. It was awesome.

Its 5 AM

Its just after 5 AM. It is also Saturday. I know my full-time mom status does not usually distinguish weekends, but we did stay up later than normal because it was "Friday".

So, when Russell was bouncing in his crib like it was morning a few minutes ago, I immediately thought "any chance he will just go back to sleep?"

NO.

So, I am awake. We are eating dry cereal as I eagerly await the beep of my coffee maker. Russell is having a grand time playing. It doesn't seem to occur to him that it is dark outside!

I know we are generally early morning people, but this is even rough for me. I have come to the conclusion, once a baby joins the family, solid blocks of sleep are never guaranteed. But, that will not keep me from trying! Well, if you are on the awake and see this post, feel free to give me a call. I'm up:)

GOOD MORNING!

Why are we going this way?

Quint never ceases to amaze us. Today we were driving in the car and we were headed home. We had to make a quick stop at a friend's house in our neighborhood. We passed the turn to our house and a few blocks down the road Quint said "why are we going this way?"

Seriously! We had not even mentioned the stop off, Quint must have noticed that we missed our turn. BK and I looked at each other in shock. He is so observent (didn't get it from me!)

I am sure that all parents think this, but seriously, our boys are geniuses:)

Why I love sunglasses

Today we were driving in the car and it was sunny. I was wearing my big sunglasses and I thought, why do I love sunglasses so much?

I determined, for me they represent sunshine. Most of the time when I reach for my sunglasses it is very sunny. In the last few years I have lived where the sun does not shine for half the year. It taught me that I love sunshine. Thus, my love for sunglasses.

But, I have to admit sunshine is not the only reason I love huge sunglasses, ironically it is the opposite. They are perfect for days you don't feel sunny at all.

The best way to describe it is to us a Gray's Anatomy reference. Don't judge me, I like it. One of the characters often describes herself as dark and twisty. This is the perfect description of how I feel at times. In these moods, sunglasses are the best. They turn the world just a bit darker shade, which matches my mood. They also hide your eyes, which I believe are the entrance to your soul. For those days I don't want anyone to see in, I can just bust out my huge sunglasses. They protect my dark and twisty thoughts, until I can flip my mood around.

"Hey Russell"

Today I had to work at the gym at 3 pm. This can cut close to nap time. Russell was awake, so I loaded him and our bag into the car before waking Quint. When I ran into wake him, he was not happy. Quint is very slow to wake up. I carried him to the car, and he was upset. As I put him in his seat he looked over and saw Russell just chilling in his seat. He immediately stopped fussing, and said in a very casual way "hey Russell". I couldn't believe it. I was ready for a war, but when Quint saw Russell he was calm. No war needed.

I felt like he was saying to Russell "well, I guess this car trip is ok, if you are here too".

It was awesome.

On the Run

Russell is our joker.

He is always laughing and doing funny things.

Tonight was a perfect example of Russell's love of fun and laughter.

BK and I were in the kitchen after dinner, cleaning and catching up on the day, when it happened.

First, we heard Russell laughing, and then he burst into the kitchen, running as fast as he could. He was holding the vacuum wand. A few seconds later, Quint came running after him. Russell was laughing hysterically by now. Quint caught up to Russell and promptly took the wand back. It was obvious Russell stole it from Quint when he wasn't looking.

Russell didn't even cry when Quint took back the wand. He just laughed. You could see the pleasure on his face. If Russell could speak English, we think he would have said, "You might be bigger, but for a minute, I got you. Better look out, I am growing fast:)"

Quint just looked annoyed.

It was a great brother moment:)

Wind in my hair

One of the interesting facts about Iowa is there is no helmet law for motorcycles. All throughout this summer I see people riding their motorcycles or mo-peds with the wind blowing in their hair.

They seem free.

But, is my immediate thought how wonderful for them? No, its "you idiot, you are going to get yourself killed". Then it occurred to me, this is totally hypocritical. One of my most favorite past times is riding my beach cruiser. Just floating along, wind in my hair, feeling free.

I never wear a helmet. Its just not the same with a helmet, plus I think they are ugly. I know this is probably immature, but my opinion is sometimes you have to live a little.

Riding a bike and riding a motorcycle may have different risk levels, but both could get hit by a car. Both could crash into a tree (because they are changing their ipod song, or just get distracted!) Both could hit a parked car, and trust me, it hurts. But, what I realized is let the rider asses the risk. Let the rider have the freedom to make there own choice in the matter. I air on the side of freedom. I regret that I ever thought otherwise.

So, today I apologize to all the helmet less motorcycle riders in Iowa.

I celebrate the wind in your hair. Enjoy the freedom of riding in a state that doesn't make "all" your decisions for you. I will enjoy riding my beach cruiser wind in my hair style, as well.

I know at some point the boys will learn to ride and then I will be faced with a dilemma, forgo my free feeling, wind in my hair riding and become a helmet wearer.....or become the parent that says: "when you are an adult you can do it too" (referring to not wearing a helmet)

Neither are a good option, so I will dread the decision and enjoy wind in my hair riding until that day comes.

Dad's keep it simple

I love when BK has to boys to himself. Not just because I get a little break, but he is great with them.

Tonight I had a water polo, but we also had a BBQ with one of BK's classmates. I met BK at the BBQ a little later so I could play water polo. When I pulled up on my bike, I noticed the happy expressions on the boys faces. They were running around a big grass area, loving the outdoors and sunshine. (ahhh, I dread winter)

My moment was: Russell did not match, and had watermelon all over his face, and Quint was running around in a t-shirt and diaper. I guess he didn't want to wear his shorts. I might have stressed out about this, especially because we were BBQing with people I had never met, but BK is so low-key. He said, "you don't want to wear your pants" "OK."

As I thought about stressing out about it, I took inventory. Was Quint upset? No, he was super happy, laughing, running around. Russell was eating more watermelon and could not be happier. So, I just laughed and went to join them.

I think I could take some notes as a mom, from daddy BK. Don't sweat the small stuff:)

Little actions, big moments

Most people would agree raising babies is very hard work. And, as I have mentioned before, I feel it requires a lot of selfless action. Despite these truths, it is an amazing experience. From pregnancy, to birth, to every milestone, the experience feels like watching a miracle in action every day.

I feel sometimes you go through times where the milestones are bursting, or maybe I am just paying closer attention. Either way I think we are in one of those times periods. It is exciting:)

Just today,

Quint wanted to put on his flip flops "by myself!" And with just a little direction he did it! Russell, deciphered it was time to go, and went and got his shoes for us! Both of these milestones will make leaving the house much easier in the future. That is super.

And tonight we swear Russell said "ball" and "truck" amazing. Language development is incredible. Honestly, English hardly makes sense to me, but Quint is practically fluent and I think Russell is not far off.

Finally, tonight we were having bath time and Quint said "my pee pee is coming".

We quickly moved him to the toilet to save the bath water, and he sat for a while and then we heard "my pee pee coming out". Yep, our second time pee pee in the potty. BK and I practically threw a party.

Little actions equal big moments in our house these days.

So, if you are feeling discouraged, you could come to our house, we will cheer for you to say ball, or put on your shoes. If you pee in the potty you get two gummy treats:) In life its the little things:)

By the way, its a standing offer.

A curtain or a cape?

We have wonderful huge windows in our new apartment. It is part of the reason we chose it. Lots of light is something we love in our home, EXCEPT during nap time or bed time. It is very bright in our bedroom so we went this morning on a hunt for very cheap black out curtains. I have never bought curtains, or curtain rods before. (usually apartments are required to have them). Our current place does have blinds but they are not great for blocking light.

Just an aside: I had cheap blinds, they are annoying to move up and down, and terrible to clean.

Anyways.

We found some on sale at Walmart. Score!

We got home and I was eager to put them up and see if our nap time would go smoother. Quint was "helping" me. I was anxiously working to put up the curtain rod when I said "Quint hand me the curtain".

But, as I glanced over, I paused. It was my moment. Quint no longer had a curtain, but rather a cape. He was running around with his cape and couldn't care less about my need to hang curtains. Sometimes I get busy and forget to enjoy their moments. In that moment, I decided curtains could wait. Besides, capes are cooler than curtains.

Lost

BK and I have gone to the dark side, we are addicted to the show Lost. Nearly every night we watch an episode. Recently it occured to me, sometimes I wish we lived a little more like we were trapped on an island.

Imagine how different life would be if we were focused on survival.

What if we stressed about obtaining food, shelter, and water and not all the other superficial things we get caught up in now.?

What if our only concern was protecting our family?

What if, we just focused on the basics?

What if our lives revolved around living, family, community, being rescued, and God?

Despite how romantic the idea of a tropical island sounds, I am sure that if I were trapped on an island with BK, Quint, and Russell I would miss some of our basic luxuries. I would long for a strip mall, or a nice, long, hot shower. Although I think I would love the diet plan for the first few weeks, I would get over eating fish and fruit. And, even though I despise doing laundry, I would long for any form of washing machine, and I would not care if it was front loading.

But, then I thought is there a lesson to be learned here? Could I have the hot shower, and the peace of only focusing on the basics?

Truthfully, probably not.

But, I could try.

There will always be the security of my home, Costco, and a running faucet. But, I hope that next time I catch myself worrying about something superficial, I will check myself. I will remember what would "really matter" if I was trapped on an island. Hopefully, that will bring me back to reality. Hopefully, I will take a moment to realize how blessed I am to have a clean faucet, to have shelves full of warehouse shopping food, to live in our castle apartment, and to have healthy loving family.

And they say you can't learn anything from prime time TV:)