Deodorant

Today I learned there is even more I can do while holding a baby:)

I was holding Russell, and I desperately needed to put deodorant on. I grabbed the deodorant, and looked in the mirror, hummm, Russell was clearly in the way of good cross arm application. I could have just set Russell down for a bit, and if it were Quint I probably would have. But, those of you who know Russell understand its not always an option:) So, I held then end of the deodorant, and applied it to the same armpit. Then I switched Russell to the other side, and I repeated. I have to admit this is the first time I have every applied deodorant to left armpit while holding it with the left hand, but it worked!

I felt quite accomplished, and I smelled a lot better:)

Fear

I am not sure why, but I am terrible afraid I am going to die of skin cancer or drowning. Somehow my love of the water and sun will eventually kill me. Its weird, but true.

So, the other day I got a new mole and I picked at it. (Don't do that). It looked even worse, I was totally freaking out, what if it was cancer and now it is spreading all through my body...ahhhh. Of course, I looked on the Internet, but there were mixed reviews about picking at a mole leading to the spread of cancer. My anxiety level was sky high, and it hit me.

My moment.

Fear.

We can not live in fear. It can paralyze people. And I was allowing it to paralyze me.

If anything the anxiety will get me before the cancer:)

When I recently learned about fear, the key statement was:

If skin cancer (or any scary thing) than God.

Its true. Fear is worthless, God is priceless.

So, I called the dermo and made an appointment and forgot about it.

Peace....it feels good.

In a week it will all be gone...or will it?

Its 7 pm and time to eat dinner. Quint just finished watching a train show. I turned off the TV so we could eat a peaceful dinner...or so I thought. Then out of nowhere: Quint threw himself on the floor crying and screaming "watch TV...boohoo boohoo!" You would have thought I ran over his favorite stuff animal. Real tears streaming down his face...."watch TV....boohoo...boohoo!" This went on for 10 minutes. Finally he pulled it together to eat, but he was not happy.

We have only been in big TV land (at my parents) for about a month. It is amazing how attached we all have become. I have to admit, I love watching movies on the big screen at night, Quint loves watching his favorite shows. In less than a week it will all come to an end...and hopefully with it, the temper tantrums:)

Live more like the tree-cutter?

Today the tree cutter finally came. We heard the neighbor had ordered a tree to be removed and I knew the boys would love to watch. So we had been looking for them. It was only one man, he was in his mid-fifties. He backed up the truck to the tree, and put a ladder on the truck bed up against the tree. He climbed the rickety ladder with confidence. He assessed the situation. He saw us watching and said, "I didn't realized it was this tall...". His ladder only went up 2/3 up the tree, and it was shaky.

He could have called for back up. It was a big job and no one would have blamed him. But, he didn't hesitate, he climbed the ladder with a huge chain saw, and went to work. Although it looked risky, he had confidence in his skills and went to work. The large tree truck fell perfectly between the two houses. He had the whole tree down in a few minutes.

It made me think....when faced with a large task, something a bit risky or challenging, do I hesitate? Do I focus on my self-doubt or step forward in confidence? How often do I miss opportunity for success because I hesitate.

In the future, I hope to be more like the tree cutter.

Home

My moment: Sitting in the cell phone lot at the airport, eagerly awaiting BK's call.

9:32 PM

Phone rings, BK is off the plane, but he has checked luggage so he will call when he has it.

More waiting........and waiting........

(just an aside: cell phone lots are funny people watching...I was observing the random lady next to me...why does she have that kind of car? Interesting hair.....is she texting? The old people in the Buick were funny too)

But the people watching could only keep me entertained for so long, BK was in that building waiting by the luggage carousal, and I have not seen him for 27 days!

9:44 PM

I call, can't wait anymore! But, no answer!

9:54 PM

I can't wait anymore, I decide to circle the airport, hoping he will call soon!

9:56 PM

He calls! He's ready!

I circle around the arrival pick up area, and I see him.

He is in uniform, holding a few bags, and waving to me!

He looks little different, a little less hair, a little more tan.

But, same big smile, same lanky arm wave, same big warm hug.

My match is back!

Thank you for old friends

Lisa is visiting this weekend. She is a great friend, and we have shared the past 12 years together. Having her here reminded me of how special old friendships are. We are having a great time laughing about old funnies and new funnies, drinking coffee, catching up on life.

I am so grateful for my old friends. They love me, inspite of me. They have known me at my worst, and still return my phone calls. I am so greatful, for these people in my life. There are a few other great, old friends out there (you know who you are).

A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world. ~Lois Wyse

Jurassic Park or my bed?

Finally my bedtime. Both babies finally asleep. I was exhausted. Russell has been fighting a fever for the last few days and has been up multiple times in the night the past few nights, and last night was no exception. I jumped into my bed so excited to get a little rest to make up for my sleep deprivation from the past few days. When.....ouch! Something sharp, I pulled the covers back and saw the culprit. A small plastic dinosaur, with many pointy edges.

Its an occupational hazard. I forget the bed had doubled as jurassic park earlier in the day.

Just then, I broke a major rule in our house. I threw the toy across the room. Instantly the bed was transformed from jurassic park to cozy sleep heaven. I was asleep before you could say dinosaur.

A Real Letter

Today I was sorting through our mail, it was the typical junk mail and a few bills. Boring. Then at between all the legal size envelopes I came across a smaller, unfamiliar envelope. It was not mass produced, it did not contain a return envelope, it was hand written and it was addressed to me.

IT WAS A REAL LETTER!

Did you know that the mail man can bring things besides bills, credit card applications, and purchases from Ebay? It had been so long since I received a handwritten letter, I almost forget you could send them.

I examined the handwriting. It was very familiar. It was from BK! He could have just sent me another email, but he took the time to find paper and pen, write me a letter, and mail it. The most impressive part was he splurged for the 43 cent stamp:) It was very romantic.

It reminded me that I should send friends and family a real letter occasionally. These days it is a novelty, and very special. I know it made my day!

Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. (MASH)

Tonight a great old friend came over for dinner. I had not seen her for probably 15 years. We chatted, caught up, and shared feelings about life at 30. Life has taken us on different paths, different jobs, different cities, but it was great to connect and share about life.
My moment today came when Julie said, "things don't always work out the way we plan". As we watch the sunset, we continued to talk but the comment stuck with me. Its true.

Despite the best plans people I know are suffering; unemployment, divorce, sickness, broken relationships, unrequited love, infertility, and on and on.
As I reflected on her statement, I thought back to when we were children.
Children believe anything is possible.
We could be anything.
We could marry the dreamiest man, and everyone lives happily ever after
Everyone has enough money.
No one gets sick.
Everyone can be friends.

Life is fair, simple, possible, & controllable.

As children we planned our whole life out in a quick game of MASH. Our careers, who we will marry, the pets we will have, the home we will live in, the number of children we will have, the place we will live.
When we grow up we learn life is a lot more unpredictable than a game of MASH.

Sometimes I miss the naivety of childhood.

The Climb

Tonight I drove up to pick up Dave, and a song came on the radio which I really love.

There I was, driving, singing with hand motions.
(Just an aside: my voice is terrible, and my rhythm questionable)
It may be silly, but I think singing out loud to music is one of the simple pleasures in life.

BUT, I HAVE TO ADMIT....

The song was by Miley Cyress....SSSHHHH DON'T TELL ANYONE!

Its a little embarrassing.

I am proud that I have never seen Hannah Montana.

I would not call myself a Mylie Cypress fan.

That being said...

I love her song "The climb".

It is a great message, and I am thrilled it could become an anthem for pre-teen girls.

Finally, a positive message for them.

Why it resonates with me:

I view life as a journey, and I feel challenge is what makes the journey worthwhile. It is this reason that I love this song. Here are just a few lyrics:

"The struggles I'm facing,

the chances I'm taking,

sometimes might knock me down,

but no I'm not breaking.

There is always going to be another mountain,

I am always going to want to make it move,

always going to be an uphill battle,

sometimes I'm going to have to lose"

If you happen to be driving by me and see me singing and bouncing around,

DON'T JUDGE!

I am in my happy place:)

and now you know I might be singing to Miley...but don't tell!

Just for a moment

Today we went to TJ Maxx to look at the toys for the boys. There was a rack of swim suits so mom and I paused to look. I found a few cute ones, so mom offered to take the boys so I could try them on. Something I never attempt while out with the boys since the stroller diving incident.

There I was in the dressing room, five suits to try on. Four nice, cute suits and one just for fun. I rushed through, the first four which were cute, but fairly normal. None of them were amazing. These days I only splurge for amazing.
The fifth suit was outrageous. It was originally $169 and was still $50 at TJ Maxx. (Definitely out of the budget)
One of those 80'S throw back, a two piece connected by strips of fabric. Bright green with gold chain links on the sides of the bikini, two strips connecting the top and bottom, which served as the bikini top. Strings tied around the top and the back. It was awesome!

As i stood there in that fabulous suit, JUST FOR A MOMENT I was not in the dressing room at TJ Maxx, I was in an exotic location, by extravagent pool, hanging out in one of those cabana's with the curtains. I am a fabulous heiress, a few inches taller and a few pounds lighter, I spend my days doing pilates and yoga, getting facials, and hangout poolside wearing bath suits like this and looking gorgeous.

Then the moment passed. I was back in the dressing room, wearing the suit. It was fun, sexy, and a bit scandalous. In my real life, scandalous doesn't really fit in:) A boob would probably pop out while swimming with the boys, or wakeboarding. Nobody wants to see that! Plus, could you imagine the tan lines? HaHa! I would look like a zebra:)

Well, it was the perfect suit....JUST FOR A MOMENT.

That is a short rope!

In our family we joke about short rope/long rope personalities. Basically, very people orientated versus independent. I am a classic short rope, if BK is on the phone I might follow him around just to be with him. Well, Russell is me in a nutshell, always wanting people play with him, hold him, and to be in the group. Today his rope was even to short for me!

I had to shower, so I thought he would play in the bathroom with a truck while I showered. (Quint would do this very well, but he is a long rope). As I got in the shower Russell followed me right in! I could see it in his face you are not leaving me out here! So, in the shower he went. I don't think he liked the splashing water, but I think he thought it was worth it as long as he was being held.

I was again amazed at what I can do while holding a baby. Well, its important to embrace the moments.

Rockin'

Rockin' is a word I use to describe exciting, awesome things or events. But tonight it had a much different meaning....or did it?

It was bedtime and Quint wanted to "rock". As we snuggled into the rocking chair, I embraced the moment. As we rocked, I reflected on the different events or things I had described as "rockin" in my life. It was a diverse list, but tonight it become even more unique.

Tonight I decided rocking with Quint is "rockin'".

A glimpse of Grown up Dave

Today Dave had his first real interview. He dressed all snazzy in his new suit, and he looked all grown up. Until this moment, Dave has fufilled the little brother role perfectly. He is fun, adventuresome, loves to engage in reckless activities. He is even a super uncle, who gets down on the floor and play with the boys.

But today, he looked like a business man. It freaked me out a bit, but I guess it is about that time.

Even though it may be time for him to be a "grown up" I have to admit I am not quite ready. So, as nice as it was to see him moving on in life, I was grateful when he changed out if his fancy suit and offer to take the boys and I for a boat ride. Moments later he was jumping off the boat wearing a suit that was much more familiar, his red lifeguarding swim suit, playing peek-a-boo with the boys around the boat. It might be selfish, but I was grateful that my little brother was back, even if it is only for a little while.

Victorious!

We have been in NY for 3 weeks and every night bedtime has been a battle. It slowly has been getting better, but tonight I was VICTORIOUS! Everyone was in bed, asleep by 7:45 and there was no crying involved! I keep turning on the monitor expecting to hear crying...but silence. Ahhhh, so peaceful. Hooray! Hooray! Time for a happy dance!

Just so you know, during these little mommy victories I feel the need to do a happy dance or occasionally just a random high kick:)

Defending Russell

We have always said to Quint "Be gentle, Russell is a baby". This has quelled the violence fairly well, till recently. Quint has begun to be more aggressive with him. His favorite move is to get him around the waist and drag him to the floor.

Tonight he did his favorite move, and Russell crashed to the floor and banged his head on the tile. I was so furious. I am not sure if it was my empathy for helpless Russell who seems to keep crashing despite my best efforts to protect him, or my pre-pregnancy dream of two boys close in age playing together in harmony, flying out the window. Quint was punished and sent to bed early.

Tomorrow is a new day, but momma will be on high alert for any milichious actions between the brothers. It could be a long day in the time out corner:)

Thank you cute man in the VFW hat.

Snapshot: at the grocery store, pushing the huge cart (with the driving car on the front) piled with groceries, Russell in the jump seat slobbering on an apple, Quint driving the car and making a lot of car sounds. Despite my efforts to look like super momma, I am sure I look more like a huge mess.

Coming toward me are a few older men wearing their VFW hats. They are totally cute, and one in particular gives me a huge smile. He smiles and winks at me and says hello to the boys. He says "you are a busy one". I give him a grateful smile and just say "yes". His vibe was appreciative, caring, and supportive of my life stage.

It is interesting the responses you get from people being a full time mom of two little ones close in age. But, I routinely run into older men and women who affirm me, build me up, and encourage me. When I am pulling my hair out, trying my best to be a good mom and actually get some groceries, a little encouragement goes a long way.

CRASH. SILENCE. SCREAM.

Today...a bad momma moment.

It was early evening and I took the boys upstairs to play for a while. They were jumping on the bed, and Russell jumped the wrong way and crashed into the corner of the wall. I have to imagine most mothers can relate. It all happens too fast. You reach and miss, then it is CRASH...SILENCE....SCREAM.

Russell rebounded but he had a large line bump across his forehead. If it happened to me, I would have been on the couch for a least an hour. But, Russell was off playing and eating a snack five minutes later. Thank God children are so resilient, otherwise I don't know if they would survive me.

Where did they go?

Today we ventured out for the classic boat ride down the lake. It was the first time we did it with both of the boys. We stopped to swim in the deep water. I was a little hesitant because the water was a bit chilly, but Quint yelled "go" so I had to jump! The best part was Russell's face when I popped up from under the water. He was peering over the edge of the boat....looking intrigued/concerned. I could just see his working brain....where did they go? When I climbed out to jump in again, he smiled, and we repeated the same. His cute face peering over the edge...and then smiling when he realized I was ok. What a cutie, and what an amazing experience to watch them learn. I know soon he will be yelling "go" to get us to jump in, and soon after that he will be jumping too. It will all go to fast, so today I embrace the moment of "where did they go?"

Running after a parade?

Something I never saw in my future was running like a mad woman after a parade, but today it happened. This morning the neighbor called to say there was parade in town with fire trucks. I instantly felt like a terrible mom, "why didn't I think about that, Quint would love to do that, of course there would be parades on the 4th of July".... Well, desperate to recover from what I viewed as a mommy blunder, I threw Quint in the car and we went to see if we could catch it. Well, I got redirected up and around the parade in traffic, and by the time we parked it had just passed us. I had the joggy stroller, and so we ran. Quint and I ran to catch the parade. We dodged people on the sidewalks, groups cleaning up their chairs, and ran by all the fire trucks in the parade. As I ran I pointed out the trucks and when we got to the beginning of the parade we stopped and tried to look like a casual observer (a normal parent) even though I was panting from the half mile run I had just sprinted! Quint loved it. Totally worth all the effort.

Porta cribs

We are in NY. We have been here for close to two weeks but have not found a functional sleeping situation for the boys. This morning I was thoroughly frustrated, partly do to my mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion of the bedtime battle which has taken around 2 hours lately. I was determined to find a working solution, and I decided to put Quint in the big crib and set up the porta crib for Russell. Sounds simple. Well, I could have words with the inventor of the porta crib (at least the modern day version). The trick is you must lock all the side arms before pushing the floor of the crib open. If you do not lock the arms they will not work, until you unlock the floor. My crib is old and the arms don't like to lock, so I was shaking it, banging it around, pulling, jerking, and trying to coheres the arm into the locked position. As I wrestled with this stupid, yet very practical invention, I thought...."really, maybe I am not cut out for the calling of motherhood. Clearly, I am not patient enough, I still prefer to be selfish, and I hate porta cribs!" More times than I can count in my journey of being a mom have I felt overwhelmed, inadequate, ill-prepared, and unworthy of the challenge of raising these fabulous boys. This was one of those moments.

An Update....despite my war with the porta crib, the new sleep arrangement is working! Its a miracle. I have avoided complete motherhood failure for the time being.

Big Steps

Today I was just watching Russell toddle around and I noticed Russell takes very large steps. When he sets his sights on getting across the room he does it in about five steps. He swings his legs out as far as they will stretch to get the maximum length per step. I do not remember Quint being concerned with step efficiency...he was more of a bunch of little quick steps. Now that I have noticed Russell's large steps, I can't help but laugh when I see him waddle across the room. I am not sure what this means about Russell, but I love noticing the differences between the brothers!

Resurrecting the everyday.

I have been blogging everyday for BK while he is away and it has made me reconsider letting this blog fall by the wayside. Because, everyday does have a moment. Even if very few people care about the moments, or even if my moments are a bit too personal for the internet, I am going to begin recording them. Better to over share than forget. Plus, life is real and I like to let people know the real moments in my days.

So....here is to sharing the everyday with the people I love and possibly some strangers:)